Tuesday, September 23, 2008

WISH YOU WERE HERE !!!!

I have struggled with depression on and off for some time now, and have finally come to the realization that despite my desire to no longer be "depressed" I will probably always be just that. I have taken myself off of my medications more times than I care to count, only to find myself right back in that hole of despair. I long to be well, and not with the assistance of medication or a counselor. But I have a disease, a scientifically proven disease (and despite what Tom Cruise and his "medical degree" may say, it will not just go away with exercise and vitamins) a disease that like others could be fatal if not treated properly. Now I know you may think that this seems a little extreme, but for me my depression has gotten so severe that I can honestly say that it has at times felt as if living were no longer an option. I know, it is not cancer, but for me I know that left untreated I am asking for trouble. Much like a person with diabetes would not do well without their meds, because their body is not properly functioning; I too am not functioning properly and I need my meds. I know this, I have been told this several times, but I still have to talk myself into taking that pill every morning. I do not like being dependent on anything, but I am trying to approach this from a different angle, lately when it comes time to take my meds, I tell myself my family needs this (my family is dependent on this) So far it is working, I have been feeling much better lately, dare I even say happy. Yeah, I still have times where it feels as if I am fighting a losing battle, that the weight is too much to carry, and that it is too overwhelming to even begin to explain. I still get stressed (my husband's job is really testing my patience) and I still get angry, but I think things up till now have been turning around greatly since December (when I had to go to the ER because I could not trust myself to be alone without thinking seriously about hurting myself) I have been enjoying life and look forward to doing things with my family and friends, which is a huge difference from the person I was less than a year ago.

With all of that being said, I am feeling myself begin to struggle again - September is the worst month for me emotionally. Every year, September is literally HELL for me !!! My father and grandmother both have passed and both have September birthdays, my father also died on Sept. 28th. I don't understand why these events are still so horrible for me. I often feel like a child - "it's not fair, why me, why them ?" Get over it already! As I sit here typing this, it is my Grandmother's birthday. I am mad - mad as hell that I can not celebrate her 80th birthday with her. She was the most amazing woman ever - I can not begin to express all that she did for me. Long story short, my mother was an unwed teenage mom who had problems of her own to deal with (she has struggled with substance abuse for my entire life) My gram made sure that despite that fact I had a true childhood - she took such great care of me and loved me deeper than I could have ever asked for or deserved. There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss her. I wish my children could meet her (Mackenzie was 6 months olds when she passed), I wish that Jim would have been able to get to know her (they met when we were children, but she had passed by the time we started dating), I truly just wish she was here.

My feelings are quite the opposite for my father. As I said, my mom was an unwed teenager when she got pregnant, and my father could not be bothered with a child at that point. He was addicted to heroine, and that was the most important thing in his life. I grew up 6 blocks from my father in the same neighborhood and never remember meeting him. The only time I remember seeing my father he was in a casket (he contracted HIV from sharing needles and died of AIDS when I was 14). While he was sick my dad tried to set up a meeting with me and my mom (they remained friends till he died) and I wanted nothing to do with him. I am full of questions, I am full of regret, I should have been the bigger person, I should have taken that opportunity to get to know my father. Still I wish he was here !

I feel like these things should make me a little sad, but every September I am consumed with grief, as if they just passed. I should be comforted knowing that they are home in the loving arms of an amazing God, that they no longer suffer from cancer or addiction, that my father has been forgiven for all of his wrongs; but somehow I long to be with them - the depression creeps in and I find all of it too hard to handle. Life gets really hard, and I don't want to do it anymore, and I just want to be there with them! I know that I have a family here that I need to care for and I am doing better than years past, but the thoughts are still there.

How do I escape? My husband is an amazing support for me and I am trying to turn to God more than I have in the past. I am praying for strength, for peace of mind, and for comfort. I am praying for God to heal my wounded heart, and I am thanking Him for the amazing gifts He has provided for me. I am trying to turn the negative thoughts into positive - Thank you God for allowing me to have such an amazing, beautiful woman to raise me, and thank you for providing a loving father for me in Jesus, someone I can turn to in all times, whose sacrifice for me was far greater than any earthly father. I stumbled upon this passage from the bible this morning - ...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. (Isaiah 61:3) I think it fit perfectly and gives me such immense hope.

5 comments:

odd dotty said...

Oh Kerry! My heart goes out to you!!! I know this is a weird post to tell you this on, but I have tagged you on my site. I totally understand if you just ignore it!!

The BOOyah Team said...

My heart goes out to you as well. I can really relate to some of what you are saying. You know that I also struggle with depression and I also have to take that pill every single day. But, you are right. It is a disease and your life depends on it! And your family (and friends) depend on it too. I also am struggling with grief as we are nearing the one year anniversary of my mom's death. So, I guess what I mean to say, is that you are not alone! I am so happy to hear that you are leaning on Jesus for support!! Love you!

Unknown said...

I have enormous respect and even awe for you, Brandie, Becky and the many others that struggle yet pull themselves up each and every day. You are all overcoming through the power of Christ even in the face of incredible odds. Thanks for the strength and courage to love and support your families the way you do.

Jean said...

I admire your honesty and how you have poured out your heart and soul!! I hope that you can feel God's grace in every part of your life. You rock Kerry!!!!!!!!!!

Molly said...

I admire you so much. You have been through so much and are so brave. You are so important and loved by so many and I hope you know that. I feel so blessed to have you in my life. Loss can be so overwhelming. Especially when there is unfinished business. I am sure both your gram and your father would be very proud of the incredible woman you are.